now we see... mix of feelings 2?! oh no, not again!

yeah, and here comes what I've been thinking this week (since it seems like I've been "weekly posting")
again I got myself pondering about all this so called "Year of New Things", if I should regret believing and seeking for it so much... (I had a nice thought about it, confusing to my bones, but thrilling! hehe... but, missed it...) not even in a matter of months or days, but hours! man...
did I mention it's scary!? yep? even more...
spent a whole week at my "ex-leaders" (weird... feels something like "best friends forever" u know!), learned a lot about how babies actually do, felt useful, and came to believe that I can be a true friend! and now I feel like a need to cry, but when it comes to me, I don't, and when I notice, I'm already crying even not feeling like it... (THIS! is the "confusing" remark I had thought of! hehe - go fig...)
I know they're not "gone"... I guess I'm just afraid of losing this contact, or having the promises of keeping in touch and seeing again just in the word basis... but our every "3 days a week" talks and stuff, or not even that, that "eye-on-eye" friendship, this is just not the same!
and still... I feel kinda glad...
(this is part of all the things I think, and this should be the most proper occasion for spitting it out, but yet, I don't know how to "say" it all...)
I finally understood what it is to "appreciate" people, though I've been through a lot of changes in all my life, only know I got how to really DO it!
no money can buy what u have from living and doing your best and most for the people u just like, w/ no rewards expected... and giving, gifts, material symbols, do it a little!
now, w/ an amazing book to read, the jeans that "started it all", the cell phone cover, notes, remarks, pictures and stuff... thoughts and lessons learned, but mainly the companionship, the affection in simple - and not cheesy! - acts, kindness muffled in funny situations, how we got along in such a way that other people just fitted in so comfortably too... in the same line, not w/ hierarchies, but still, authority levels, and also w/o them, the connection in which a lot of ideas came through... compatibility!?... u name it... (thanx Jesus for technology... making part of this!)
and those people just seemed so true to me, like I never deserved! and still they made me feel deserving, by showing me they also deserve and need me!
and if you heard me talking (and probably still WILL!) about them... all the time! man, I don't know if only I learned a lot, I did my best to get all I could, or that I just enjoyed this so much... but it makes people think they're some sort of "perfect beings on earth", and just thinking of this, again, makes me feel so undeserving! but yeah, they're real and close (not so much anymore... - that's the thing!) and I just could say these words! or put on a paper... just feeling it and dealing w/ these thoughts in my mind... (so, I didn't say, but here it is, "told"!)
breaks my heart now to go by there and know they're not there anymore... and those r the moments I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry... and then I don't!
like when they're leaving... the tears came to me, but stopped... then I felt like I still had to do something! not to avoid... to help once more!... I guess they know I'll be forever grateful for their lives and commitment on everything they were into... I just wish to send out all the loving (yeah, I love them!)...

so, want more? I got!
now, b4 our "2 official months" together we already have our "baby together"! CALM DOWN, his lil dog, a female schnauzer, cutie as it can be, is here under my care... who is trusting me even more? believe me, my in-laws! yeah, isn't it a wonder?! I wonder... everyone knows! hehe (oh, Delirious in my mind...) and just this day all the family is breaking out by here, in a "(big!) family lunch"! my mom's days of small family are counted... down! hope she can take it... hehe (the dog, now the lunch! too much emotion for just a couple of days!...)
and then we're going to go to other churches to ministre, one of that, under "the family" invite! wow... I think even I am gonna get hyperventilated! hehe
my folks here are not into this kind of "real, deep and sudden" changes, but u know?! they're all here, just take it! hehe (get used...!)

let's just appreciate it... we never know how long it's gonna last, we never know where we're gonna be... maybe my only just gotten niece is about to go away as well! fairwells?! not enough of departures... just God moving us away! didn't we put our wills in His hands? now is the time for His winds to blow!
and still I get my head full of Delirious lyrics lines matching up every occasion... and they're also going through a time of changes! OHHHH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can I take any more of this!?...
love always finds a way, doesn't it?! God's just amazing... why fear? why regret?... I'm just safe in the plam of His hands... that's all that matters! even throught the scariest of ways!...
[so it hurts once more and still we sing, for it's all for God's sake! in the days of the coming King...]

HALLELUJAH!