scared

today I got home late, as every monday, and the doorbell rang, the neighbour.
my blind old, but very loved cocker spaniel, Mahtob, was in her house, bc my mother let her go out and didn't notice... but it was in the afternoon, and it was late at night!
thank God she didn't got hit or even runover by some car, cause it almost happened some times, as the neighby said...
I'm so scared... Mahtob doesn't seem to be very well... like, she's getting worse from whatever she has... what can I do to take care of her!? I feel so powerless and out of ways!
she's about to turn 11 in 2 months... dec 23... did I do, enough, more than, or much!? "shame on me" kind of "seems like it"... I was a little kid when I got her, it wasn't all on my own! why do things have to change so unaware!? conditions change, but why should the way things have been in so long, regarding to not life lasting issues, such as a pet, have to be left like it it's been? I don't get it... I feel just bad! and there's nothing much to be done...
I'm afraid!
among all the feelings I've been up to, left to be in...
don't really know what to think, feel, say, do... and seriously, either I'm a "middle age" teenager, which I've never really been at full, or I'm facing some "sensitive person" moment of crisis strike... whew... how complicated I turn the things out... is it all my falt!?
nah...